Have a very cheesy Christmas!

You know it, I know it. 

It's been another year consisting primarily of bitter disappointment. 

A year when freedoms were routinely steamrolled by authority. A year when the goalposts were constantly being moved, and the ball of wool dangled constantly just out of reach.

A year when whatever you did was never going to be enough, and the only thing you had to look forward to was getting jabbed in the arm again. And again.

Anyway, here's my rubbishcunt Christmas present to you readers. A recipe for quite possibly the cheesiest pasta ever, not to mention the unhealthiest. Enjoy.

 

Five Cheese Carbonara

An extra-cheesy variation on a classic that can be prepared from scratch very quickly, and is so calorific that it will likely herald an even swifter death!

It might also be a useful way of disposing of any Christmas cheese that is getting past its best - the cheeses I used are just a guideline.

Artery-clogging goodness

Ingredients - makes 3-4 portions:

Marscarpone, one standard tub

Soft Blue Cheese e.g. Saint Agur or possibly a runny Gorgonzola, the equivalent of a tub of Marscarpone

Parmesan, Red Leicester and Mature Cheddar cheeses - all roughly grated, a good handful of each.

Onion, one large or two small, finely chopped

Pancetta (or, ideally, Guanicale), 6-8oz

White wine, a little

Egg yolks, two

Garlic, a few cloves, smushed

Black pepper

Tabasco

Olive oil and/or butter, for cooking

 

To serve:

 

Fresh pasta of your choice - Penne (or the ubiquitous macaroni) is ideal here

Method:

Fry your onion and garlic in a little oil until softened, then add the pancetta. (I like to use an oil/butter mix for a little extra creaminess). Once this is sufficiently cooked, turn the heat down low, and add the egg yolks, being sure to stir everything in fairly quickly so you don't end up with fried eggs or some sort of eccentric omelette!

It's going to get cheesy around here!

Straight away add in all the cheeses, stirring it up and adding a little white wine to soften, as well as a generous grind of black pepper.

While this is simmering away boil a saucepan of water and cook your pasta - periodically transferring a spoonful of the starch-water into your other pan to keep the cheese sauce moist and glossy. You can also add a dash of tabasco at this point to cut through the relentlessness of the cheese if you are so inclined.

When the pasta is almost-but-not-quite cooked, drain it and add it into your main pan with the sauce (or indeed the other way around, it doesn't matter one fuck to me which pan your meal ends up in!) and stir it all up, ensuring the pasta shapes are nicely coated.

None of this should take very long - this really is a dish that requires no slow-cooking of any kind and which can be rustled up in just a few special festive moments.

Serve it up and enjoy it as soon as possible, perhaps with a chilled fruity white or something else that'll stand up to the cheesiness. Enjoy!