Crystal report

If you're a Croydon-based fan of Wetherspoons, you might be feeling a bit sorry for yourself lately.

Coming soon... fuck all

In February this year, the town-centre Milan Bar closed its doors for the last time, and the following month saw the loss - despite a petition to save it reaching over 1,000 signatories in less than a week - of the Skylark, a few hundred yards to the South. 

Having lost the Ship of Fools a few years ago, there is now just one Spoons in an area that once had four. Even with my mixed feelings generally about Spoons, I think that's a right shame.

Anyway, I tried to visit these pubs a few times before they bit the Wetherdust, which gave me the opportunity to check out eateries in the area. 

One of which is the 'traditional Persian' menu at Crystal.

Middle Eats

So, what is 'traditional Persian' when it's at home? Or indeed when it's in Croydon? Person is modern-day Iran, right?

Mixed Mezzes for starters

Well, the TL;DR version would read something like 'dips, grills and currylike things'. But we'll go into a tad more detail, shall we?

Countries in the Middle East have always seemed to inhabit a bit of a vague area when it comes to food. It's not really their fault, just that they are caught geographically in between two culinary heavyweights - the curries of the Indian subcontinent and the mezzes of the Mediterranean.

I know that this is a huge generalisation, devoid of nuance and subtlety. I know that there is a big difference between the food of North and South India and that Bangladesh is a world apart from Sri Lanka. Lebanese, Turkish and Greek dishes aren't all exactly the same.

But there are broad clumps into which things can be, well, clumped, and the starters you'll encounter at Crystal aren't a million food miles from what you'd get in a Turkish or Lebanese place. 

Meat me in Persia?

The mixed mezze platter (£19.90) is a solid option for a hungry couple or a small group (depending on how many orders of flatbread you go for to accompany it) and consists of Hummus (obviously),  Mast o Khiah - a cucumber yoghurt not unlike Tzatziki - and a cooling, smushed aubergine dip called Kashk o Bademjan which is particularly good with the slightly flaky bread and tastes almost cheesy.

The only non-veggie dish in the mix is Oliveh, a slightly unsettling cold dish of chopped chicken pieces and hard-boiled egg in a tangy mayo, and the only hot dish is another aubergine concoction that is less creamy and more like a baba ganoush. I wasn't as bothered with these two, but the beauty of mezze-type starters is that you can share and dip-in and people can take what they like. 

Pomegranate seeds add texture and sweet-sharpness, and while it's definitely closer to the Med than the Ganges there are enough flavour twists to make the experience feel a little different.

The Mains Event

The main courses on the menu seem to be divided into two distinct areas. One is the kebabs and grills that would seem to follow on naturally from a starter that involved dipping bread into various dips, at least in my prejudiced mind.

Curry-esque

The other options - the 'stews' section on the menu - are far closer to North Indian or Pakistani curries in appearance and flavour profile, and are particularly delicious. Typically consisting of lamb or chicken in a thick sauce with plenty of spice but with the heat dialled back to moderate levels, though this is definitely not bland food.

There is a moreish tanginess to these dishes, and in an ideal world I'd want a plateful of this and something from the grill, but - as the Roy 'Chubby' Brown joke goes - I've only got one arse!

If you want a kebab-type meal there are a few options, again consisting of chicken or lamb as you might expect. 

These are big platefuls and very tasty. The Momtaz, also known as 'Special Chicken' is particularly good as the special thing about the chicken is that it also includes a skewer of a minced lamb kofte-type kebab. 

Both lamb and chicken are juicy, and while the lamb is slightly bland, there is chilli and/or garlic sauce on hand to sort that for you.

What is strange is seeing these kebabs on the same table as the curry-type dishes, but you get used to it.

Another treat from the grill is the Salmon, with crispy skin and a spicy marinade it's perfectly cooked and properly fresh. And, weirdly, it's hotter, by some margin, than the things that look like curries. Maybe just slightly too spicy to complement the fish, but it's a close call and on another day I'd argue that it stays the right side of the line.

Main course portions are universally generous and being generally in the £12-16 range are pretty decent value. Almost everything comes with a buttery saffron rice and don't be surprised if you get another Pomegranate Sprinkle (which I do realise sounds like some sort of sex act almost certainly not legal in Iran).

The drinks menu is nothing to get excited about: standard international beers and wines, soft drinks and fresh juices and smoothies that aren't particularly exciting and about which I might question the definition of 'fresh'.

Just desserts

However you can follow your meal (or even accompany it) with a pot of Persian Black Tea. With Cardamom and rosebuds, this feels properly authentic. I haven't been to Iran admittedly, but people drink stuff like all day long in the bits of the Middle East I have visited.

Accompanied with a couple of little pieces of Baklava (served with turds of chestnut puree and completely unnecessary cream) the tea is spicy and strong and generally feels like it'll strip the enamel from your teeth, given half a chance.

A meal for two is about par for the South Croydon area - £50-70ish - and while 'traditional Persion' isn't going to redefine food culture with surprise after surprise it's tasty, filling stuff and a positive experience on the whole.

It's just a shame that there's no longer a Wetherspoons nearby to have a few pints in first.

Where to find it...

Crystal
49a South End,
Croydon,
CR0 1BF (map)
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