BV on a roll

At any given time, in any given corner of the internet, there will be people having futile arguments, spreading misinformation and expressing points of view that are best described as 'monumentally fucktarded'.

I have no intention to attempt to bring these pointless debates to a conclusion as that in itself would be just as pointless as the 'discussions' themselves. So I'll just say a few words and then leave it be, but in all likelihood I'll speak more sense on the subject than you've ever heard before.  

So, bread rolls...

Yes, I said rolls. I shall be talking about rolls - and all the other names that people indiscriminately use for them. Batches, baps, cobs, barms and whathaveyou.

Roll calls

I get that some people just enjoy arguing about what the 'correct' term is as part of some sort of dim-witted battle for regional or local supremacy. YouGov did some polling on what people like to call them and where they live a few years ago.

And there is an argument that goes 'yeah, but they are all just synonyms for the same thing and it depends where you come from' - well of course that's true in that it's (largely) a free country and you can refer to stuff in whatever terms you choose.

A batch of batches

It's also a completely shit cop-out. You might live in a village where everybody calls a roll a 'Bum-baller' or a 'Gobhoblin' or 'Acker Bilk's Swollen Wheaten Ovary', but that's entirely arbitrary and swerves the debate.

The truth is this: 

1. A 'bread roll' which you can shorten to simply 'roll' refers to just about any individual-sized bread product. 
2. There are many different types of bread roll around, some coming from ancient baking traditions and some the product of more recent experimentation.
   

But it's complicated because some of the terms that people use to refer to all rolls are actually correct, but only when applied to certain specific types of roll, while others are complete nonsense.

For example, a batch is a type of roll and a cob is a different type of roll. No, really. But people sometimes forget this, or don't even bother to understand it because geographical cock-waving is of greater importance to them.

Don't believe me? Go out and buy some. Quite often you'll see 'batch rolls' on the packaging or point of sale material in the bakery or supermarket. Because bakers generally realise that batch is a type of roll.

Batches are baked in batches and are joined together, then pulled apart once they have been baked. You can usually see on the sides where they join their bready siblings. That's where the name came from.

A cob is kind of the opposite. It's a roll that was fashioned into an individual ball or some other shape before baking. It has no join or seam. Personally I'd only use 'cob' if it's crusty and rounded - if it's flat, soft and floury I'd tend to call it a bap. And it only becomes a 'bun' if you're putting a burger or something similar inside it, otherwise the term should be reserved for actual buns.

Following a spate of folks in the Midlands wrongly using 'batch' to refer to cobs and baps and other types of roll, the Coventry telegraph helpfully explained the situation, so there is no need for anyone to use the term 'batch' incorrectly now, or indeed get angry arguing that 'it's not a roll, it's a batch!!!' when clearly it's possible for both, one, or neither nomenclature to be taxonomically correct.

FFS

In all honesty, I really don't understand why and how this ever happened. 

I mean most people know what a 'Baguette' is, and I'd suggest that about half would know that a 'Hoagie' is a fairly long, thin, spongy sort of roll, often with oats on top, but you don't hear anyone calling all rolls Hoagies or Baguettes, because that would be silly. So why do this with any other sub-types?

So, now that we have established that 'rolls' are a superset that can contain subsets of batches and cobs, let's move on to some of the more misguided names people use for them.

Teacake - if you call any type of plain roll a teacake, you are a complete fucking idiot. A teacake is obviously a semi-sweetened bun, typically fairly large and flat, that one eats toasted, with butter, as part of a high tea. Even if you consider this to be a sub-type of a roll (and if you did that then you'd have to do likewise for hot cross buns and probably crumpets and pikelets too) you're a moron if you use the term to refer to something that clearly isn't a teacake.

Likewise 'breadcake' - although there is a certain cutesy, childlike charm to this term, that's all it is. Cutesy, childlike and Northern. And 'barm' is one of those horrible, coarse words that just makes you sound a bit simple. Like 'sarnie' or 'butty'. Or calling random strangers 'Guvnor' or 'Cock' or 'M'duck'.

'Barmcake' of course combines the worst excesses of both wrongnesses. I'd rather eat a crusty Bum-baller.

And that's why, with the greatest respect in the world, everyone who still doesn't understand roll-etymology can fuck off back to Shitholesthorpe.