The accidental vegan

Sometimes strange things occur accidentally. 

The other night I cooked a meal that was technically vegan - without even realising it!

There's no way I'd have done this deliberately, unless it was for some sort of project or challenge, and I only realised while we were eating it, but, hey-ho, I did my little tiny bit for a cause I don't believe in.

(This isn't a 'Veganascene Conversion' post about how I've seen the error of my ways and am now discovering the joys of plant-based life - sorry-not-sorry to disappoint!)

 

How, Why, and How?

I'm not going to even bother posting a 'recipe' as such, because it really is of scant consequence. Scant! But we'll get to 'the fucking point' in a bit.

This non-life-changing dish came about because I just wanted to use up a few bits and bobs, mainly kidney beans. A great store-cupboard staple, for sure, but I counted 15 tins of the things taking up vital real estate in my unmassive kitchen, so the numbers needed to be 'thinned out', if I can borrow an argument from a distinctly non-vegan ideology.

It was basically a vegetable chilli. Onions, tomatoes, peppers, (lots of) kidney beans, garlic, cumin, paprika, chilli, with olive oil used for cooking. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that all meets the plant-based criteria. Slow-cooked for a couple of hours and it tasted perfectly good.

Not the most delicious or exciting thing I ever cooked, but absolutely fine, and probably only notable because I can't remember the time I cooked a meal that contained no animal products whatsoever.  

Then, by cosmic coincidence, as Mrs B-V and I were digesting our vegan meal, this happened:

 

Hah! Seriously? Seriously?!?

 

Blinkered and clueless 

What an absolutely fucktarded pile of wrongheaded cuntwank.

If they're trying to do the vegan conversion job on Iain Dale, or indeed people like me, they're off to an absolutely terrible start. You could hardly have picked worse examples to try and make this point.

The best chips - indeed very often the only chips that don't end with a feeling of disappointment and slight sickness - are those cooked in beef dripping. It shouldn't even be a debate. 

Whether it's the best traditional chips in the world at George-a-Green, or the fries at Hawksmoor that recall the beefy nostalgia of the 1980s, or your duck-fat roasties or whatever, there is a suet-lined organ of solid evidence: Animal fat is what makes potatoes delicious.

But let's address beans on toast. 

Firstly, it absolutely necessitates butter. Proper butter. Which isn't vegan. If you've got margarine or some other non-dairy abomination melting beneath your hot beans, I'm not going to touch it with another person's shitty cock. 

This was vegan without being shit!

Moreover, I don't think I've ever met a single person that is actually enough of a dullard to eat beans on toast that isn't 'enhanced' in some way. We all have our little additions - Worcestershire Sauce (made from anchovies, that famously Vegan ingredient), Tabasco, Gentleman's Relish... I quite often fry pancetta until crispy and then add the beans later.

And, of course, any normal person will be enjoying some sort of cheese atop of their beans on toast. Parmesan, maybe, or a strong Cheddar. Vegan 'cheese'... Yeah, that can get in the same waste disposal container as the margarine and low-fat spread.

A 'half-and-half' toast with scrambled egg one side and (enhanced) beans on t'other is a decent emergency brunch. A non-Vegan one, obviously.

The thing is, there have been some huge developments in 'plant-based' stuff over the past decade or so. I've tried some delicious pastries and desserts and been absolutely gobsmacked to discover they were technically vegan. Apparently the secret is the liberal use of coconut oil instead of manky laboratory fats.

Crucially, this stuff doesn't taste like 'a sad compromise'. Maybe give Mr. Dale something like that to sample, hmm?

It's relatively easy to rustle up a nice salad or a ratatouille or a bean thing like I made without any harm to any animals, so why would a vegan activist and campaigner pick such obviously terrible examples?

And I think, sadly, the answer is that they're not basing their arguments on the full spectrum of experience. They've never enjoyed the sensation of the beans melting the creamy beurre d'Isigny on their toast. Their experience of 'chips' has been one of deliberately avoiding places that cook them in the traditional way. 

I'm sure you have fuck-all interest in taking advice from me, but if you are a vegan and you're trying to encourage the rest of us to be a bit more plant-based, at least consider finding some more persuasive arguments, because this sort of thing just makes you look blinkered and clueless.